As I slowly prepare myself for my next adventure in pregnancy, I am attempting to get all the information I need to be "okay" with what might be coming my way. I have prayed and thought about things long and hard, and I know for sure that I want another child. My fears lie within my 1 in 8 odds of having another placental abruption.
Not only is this a risk for our next baby, but also a risk to my own life as well. I keep thinking about my daughter Nevaeh and my husband, and my family. I am trying to trust God with this. It is very hard to control my anxiety on this subject.
I have to keep reminding myself that God spared my life during my abruption with Leo.
I know that He is by my side always.
I am debating about getting 2nd opinions about my risks. I love my OB, but I can't help but want to have a few other opinions before I embark on this adventure.
We can't start trying until July. July will be the 1 year mark since we lost Leo and since my emergency c-section. Ready or not, I know that there probably will never be a time that I would truly be ready and "care-free". I know I have to keep my focus on Him and my eyes on HOPE.
I can't imagine going through what we did again; and yet, I know that I could endure it again if I had to. I have made it through Leo's loss with more strength than I ever realized I had.
God has been my Rock and Salvation.
I know He will continue to be... I have to put my FULL TRUST in HIM.
I know that though my time with Leo wasn't what I expected, I wouldn't have traded what we did have. I couldn't keep his tiny form alive, but I did get to know him for a few precious hours.
And those hours, those moments were such a BLESSING! And though I walked away with empty arms and a broken heart, I know I will be with Leo again one day.
I still want a baby; more than ever. I still want Nevaeh to have a living sibling to grow up with.
So, I'm praying.
Praying for Peace, Strength, and easing of my Anxious Heart.
Praying that He might prepare me for whatever I might be meant to endure on this adventure.
Praying that He will help me to take deep breaths and TRUST IN HIM.
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ReplyDeleteYou seem to be such a strong woman of God. I'm so sorry for your loss and I'm hopeful that you will be spared any more pain. There is no footprint too small that it cannot leave an imprint on the world.
You do not know me. My friend lost her full term baby in June of this year due to meconium aspiration and is blogging here. I was drawn to yours. Your baby was beautiful. I just wanted you to know that others have read your blog and cried for you. Prayed for you. Leo was precious. He has touched me.
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