I sit in this rocking chair, gazing upon what would have been your nursery.
I think of all I had planned, all we had prepared.
I sold all the girl stuff I owned... We had gotten our wish, we were having a son!
You aren't here though.
Drawer upon drawer of tiny baby boy clothing.
Packing up your essence breaks my heart.
My mom is here, my best friend is here.
As tears stream down my face,
I carefully fold each piece of layette as though it was as fragile as glass.
I find the tiny football themed sleeper I bought especially for you.
I imagine what it would have been like to see you in this precious garment.
You aren't here.
The realization hits me hard, as I rock back and forth in rhythm to my falling tears.
I find the blue blanket I bought.
Sunlight casts its glory across my lap as I cling to this blanket.
You were supposed to come home in this blanket.
But you aren't coming home.
I pack up my heart that day. Bag upon bag of blue baby things.
Bag upon bag of items to return.
I find the tiny blue soft teething doll we got for you. I cling to it.
I take this doll with me wherever I go... for the first 3 weeks.
It is all I have.
I painfully have to explain to clerks in the stores why I am returning these items.
I bluntly blurt out that you died.
That we were expecting you in October, but you arrived in July.
That you didn't make it.
I ruin their day with my story. It pains me to share.
What else do I say?
Those days of packing away what was supposed to be, changed my world
forever.
I'll always remember how I felt. I'll always remember the hole left in my heart.
I'll always long for you to be in my arms.
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