Walk to Remember | Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness

Sunday was the 7th annual Walk to Remember held in Longview. This event brings awareness to infant and pregnancy loss and gives grieving parents a safe place to share their stories and remember the little ones we've lost. 

I was nervous heading into this event, as I didn't know what to expect. I was concerned this event wasn't going to meet my expectations and that instead of being healing, it would depress us further. I am so glad we went and that my expectations were exceeded. Many people don't understand my concern over the event, so allow me to explain. I don't get to plan a 1st birthday, or see my son crawl for the first time, of hear him say "mama". All I have are events like these to outwardly express my love for him in a public setting. My fear was that this event wouldn't be nice enough to do my son justice. That may sound strange, but this has been an issue from the start for me. I remember when Leo was born and I was so mad that I didn't have a blanket worthy enough to wrap him in. I reluctantly took the hand crocheted blanket donate to the NICU from the nurse to wrap him in after he passed. I came home with empty arms, feeling like a horrible mother for not having something nice enough to clothe him in at the hospital. I clutched a blue blanket I bought on clearance thinking, "If only I had known, I would have bought something worthy!"

It is strange the things that bother us in times such as these, but I was pleasantly surprised to be surrounded by other parents who understand the type of grief we are coping with. I felt part of something, part of a group who has seen some of the hardest times and have pulled through together. 

More and more often I feel left behind these days. Just about every friend I have has been blessed with 2 living children, and I feel left in the dust being the odd-ball so to speak. I'm desperately trying to move forward from these feelings, but it is a hard thing to swallow. My longing for my son is more than I can describe. Being able to attend events like these really helps me to find my place in this new world I have been thrown into.

This poem by Elizabeth Dent completely captures how I feel:

Go ahead and mention my child.

The one that died, you know.

Don't worry about hurting me further.

The depth of my pain doesn't show.

Don't worry about making me cry. I'm already crying inside.

Help me to heal by releasing

The tears that I try to hide.

Im hurt when you just keep silent,

Pretending he didn't exist.

I'd rather you mention my child,

Knowing that he has been missed.

You asked me how I was doing.

I say "pretty good" or "fine".

But healing is something ongoging.

I feel it will take a lifetime.  

Here are some pictures from this year's Walk to Remember. 

We all got to light a candle in honor of the child we lost.

Walk to Remember...

My life has changed so much since you passed away. Daily I am reminded that you are not here with me. Longing grips me with such fierce emotions that I can't seem to contain my tears. October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. A Walk to Remember is being coordinated. It all sucks. My life wasn't supposed to be like this. You are supposed to be in my arms, safe and sound. Instead, I am left with fleeting memories, empty arms, and a sign-up sheet for "remembering lost babies". Life is hard to swallow on days like this. I'm strong, but sad... completely changed, but not broken. 


I miss you sweet baby. All around my friend's babies are turning one in a few months.... a constant reminder of how I've been left behind with ashes. Everything has changed. I would give anything to hold you again. I gaze upon your photographs, remembering every hair on your head, and the depth of your blue eyes. Each day your memory is more poignant in my thoughts. 


Others don't seem to understand; and it makes it all that much worse. Friends complain about having two children, about how hard it is.... I don't think I can take much more. Don't people see how painful it is for me? Don't people realize that sharing their plans for a third child hurts? Why is there a need for others to rub it in my face??!! No one understands... or no one really cares. I'm giving up on trying to be strong and tolerant of others inability to attempt to understand. I don't have it in me anymore. Deep breaths... pain slowly moves in, gripping my heart. Each week brings new problems and new developments. People who once brought comfort, now bring pain and conflict. 


...Lord, give me strength....


I grasp on to what I have... 


...not a chubby baby finger, or a ring of curls, or even a cuddly hug.....


I grasp on to what I have........


....... a registration form for "a walk to remember"....