Dresser Drawer | Infant Loss Awareness

Dresser Drawer...

Bathed in soft light,

You left us to greet angels above.

I watched as your soul gently left your tiny body,

Wishing I could hold on to you just a little while longer.

Soft plucking of harp strings

Welcomes you to the golden light

of God's loving embrace.

Family greets you with smiles and love,

Pain and tears are all wiped away,

And you are encircled and join in a symphony of praising your Father in heaven.

I tell you I love you one last time...

I whisper in your tiny ear, "I'll be there soon." 

Tears thicken in my shattered heart.

I gather everything you've touched,

Wanting to bottle up this feeling so I can have it forever.

No more will I see your face.

No more will my heart be full.

All I have is a drawer...

Filled with mementos that aren't worthy of remembering you by.

Every kiss I placed on your head haunts me. 

Your soft skin against my cheek is all I long for.

All I have are your ashes and a few fleeting memories...

Until I am greeted with the light of your embrace,

When I make my home, up in the sky,  just like you did...

All I have is my baby in the dresser drawer...

I wear a coat of angels' breath and warm myself with His love. 

~Terri Guillemets

Christmas Reflections....

As Christmas quickly approaches, I'm yet again distracted that my little man is not with us. His stocking hangs lovingly placed between ours, reminding us that he should be here. I fight the urge to buy a small gift for him; what would I do with it? I sit, broken hearted, watching in awe as Nevaeh discovers more wonders of Christmas, longing for Leo to be next to her, experiencing it all as well. My heart aches knowing I will never have these memories with him. 


I find myself reminiscing over the days I had with Leo. I've struggled significantly in moving forward as any mother would. I have had to defend my son's existence to far too many people who are close to me. That alone causes scars that are much deeper than those of loosing a child. This gapping hole I wear in my heart, aches with a longing I can't describe. 


And so, we are at a cross roads, trying to get pregnant again. All I can think of is that this next baby won't replace Leo. That I still will have a hole in my world, where he should be. We never forget our children.. they are part of our very souls. 


God has also placed Kenya on my heart. I'm being led towards adopting from Kenya in addition to having another biological child. As I sit imagining bringing home a child from Kenya, I am brought to tears. This is so heavy on my heart I feel as though I might explode. I know this is years down the line. Please keep us in your prayers and we explore this incredible journey into international adoption and trying to get pregnant again. We have faith that things will work out, and are so thankful for the support we've gained from so many others.

©Micah Albert 

This Christmas, 

Hold your precious little ones...

Savor their gleaming eyes as they absorb Christmas wonders.

Capture moments today, 

because you never know what those memories could mean...

Remember those in need this Christmas,

and bless others as you have been blessed. 

Kiss the cheeks of those you love and 

take a moment to hug a little longer this Christmas....

Walk to Remember...

My life has changed so much since you passed away. Daily I am reminded that you are not here with me. Longing grips me with such fierce emotions that I can't seem to contain my tears. October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. A Walk to Remember is being coordinated. It all sucks. My life wasn't supposed to be like this. You are supposed to be in my arms, safe and sound. Instead, I am left with fleeting memories, empty arms, and a sign-up sheet for "remembering lost babies". Life is hard to swallow on days like this. I'm strong, but sad... completely changed, but not broken. 


I miss you sweet baby. All around my friend's babies are turning one in a few months.... a constant reminder of how I've been left behind with ashes. Everything has changed. I would give anything to hold you again. I gaze upon your photographs, remembering every hair on your head, and the depth of your blue eyes. Each day your memory is more poignant in my thoughts. 


Others don't seem to understand; and it makes it all that much worse. Friends complain about having two children, about how hard it is.... I don't think I can take much more. Don't people see how painful it is for me? Don't people realize that sharing their plans for a third child hurts? Why is there a need for others to rub it in my face??!! No one understands... or no one really cares. I'm giving up on trying to be strong and tolerant of others inability to attempt to understand. I don't have it in me anymore. Deep breaths... pain slowly moves in, gripping my heart. Each week brings new problems and new developments. People who once brought comfort, now bring pain and conflict. 


...Lord, give me strength....


I grasp on to what I have... 


...not a chubby baby finger, or a ring of curls, or even a cuddly hug.....


I grasp on to what I have........


....... a registration form for "a walk to remember"....