Thoughts to Ponder....

Lately I have had a lot on my mind... pondering getting pregnant again, fears of the unknown, fears about myself, and about things going on in the world around me. In everything, God has blessed me with clarity. The clarity to see truth in so many situations and the strength to do what is RIGHT. I have always been a person of faith, and a person who stands by their convictions. Time and time again, I sacrifice scores of friendships, popularity, and positions of power in my unwillingness to conform into something I didn't believe in. My moral compass has always been steadfast, and for that I am truly thankful. God has blessed me with such strength and endurance. In Him, I can do all things. Whom shall I fear? Where can I go that He isn't there? 


Since the death of our son, I have taken stock of my life and of my decisions. I may have missed out on some opportunities in my youth, but I know that in doing so I have pleased my Father. I can no longer stand back and be subject to behavior against my own moral compass, against what God has commanded of me. Who am I to question His commands? I have dealt with much pain and suffering these past 5 years; but in pain, we are taught so much. It is when we are suffering that we are closest to God and the most receptive to his love and commands for our lives. Despite what I have endured, I see what good has come of it all. I am so strong, through Christ who strengthens me. I am so blessed.


I don't know my whole purpose for my time here on earth. I do know that I am to do what God commands of me. I do know that I am to love and to stand by what I know to be right in Him. I know that I am meant to teach my children the ways of our Lord. I know I am meant to bring His light to the world around me. Through my photography, my writing, my love, my faith and endurance, through my example, I am to be His servant and His hands and feet. I am honored in the ways He has chosen to use me, and I pray that He continues to do so. 


I have been blessed with so many people throughout this journey of mine. The ones who stand out are the ones of faith. I have recently been united with those of my past... all of whom know Him. Isn't it incredible how God places people in our lives years before their impact on your heart will be felt? Time and time again I am astounded by His love and grace and the intricacies of His plans. 


I am so thankful for this love, so thankful that someone as lowly as myself, has been blessed with His grace.


Dear Lord,


Your love is enough. You know. I believe, help my unbelief. Help me to trust in You always, and in all things. Help me to keep my eyes on You. Help me to love you with a purer, deeper, all encompassing love. Help me Lord to prepare, for what You've already prepared for me. Lord, make me a blessing to others. Use me for Your works... May Your will be done. Help me to see my life as you see it. Thank you for your un-ending love and grace. Thank you for all the blessings you have bestowed on me. You know my heart... it is enough. Thank you...


In Jesus name, Amen.

Calming the Storm...

As I slowly prepare myself for my next adventure in pregnancy, I am attempting to get all the information I need to be "okay" with what might be coming my way. I have prayed and thought about things long and hard, and I know for sure that I want another child. My fears lie within my 1 in 8 odds of having another placental abruption.

Not only is this a risk for our next baby, but also a risk to my own life as well.  I keep thinking about my daughter Nevaeh and my husband, and my family. I am trying to trust God with this. It is very hard to control my anxiety on this subject. 

I have to keep reminding myself that God spared my life during my abruption with Leo. 

I know that He is by my side always. 

I am debating about getting 2nd opinions about my risks. I love my OB, but I can't help but want to have a few other opinions before I embark on this adventure. 

We can't start trying until July. July will be the 1 year mark since we lost Leo and since my emergency c-section. Ready or not, I know that there probably will never be a time that I would truly be ready and "care-free". I know I have to keep my focus on Him and my eyes on HOPE.

I can't imagine going through what we did again; and yet, I know that I could endure it again if I had to. I have made it through Leo's loss with more strength than I ever realized I had. 

God has been my Rock and Salvation.

I know He will continue to be... I have to put my FULL TRUST in HIM.

I know that though my time with Leo wasn't what I expected, I wouldn't have traded what we did have. I couldn't keep his tiny form alive, but I did get to know him for a few precious hours.

And those hours, those moments were such a BLESSING! And though I walked away with empty arms and a broken heart, I know I will be with Leo again one day. 

I still want a baby; more than ever. I still want Nevaeh to have a living sibling to grow up with. 

So, I'm praying. 

Praying for Peace, Strength, and easing of my Anxious Heart. 

Praying that He might prepare me for whatever I might be meant to endure on this adventure.

Praying that He will help me to take deep breaths and TRUST IN HIM.

Prayers to ponder...

Lord, I believe, help my unbelief. 

Lord, help me to trust You in all things at all times, 

regardless of outer circumstances or consequences. 

Lord, help me to see my life as You see it and put things into the priority order Your desire.
Lord, let me catch a glimpse of all you have prepared for my child and for me in Heaven.
Lord, I love you. Help me to love You with a purer, deeper, and more all-encompassing love. Help me to keep my eyes on you.
Help me, Lord, let me love what You love. Let me receive all that You desire to give me. Let me be satisfied with all that You are.
Lord, make me a blessing to others today.

Please pray for baby Weston...

A fellow photographer, Jonathan Canlas' son Weston is in the hospital with a severe case of RSV. 

Please pray for Baby Weston. 

He was born with a rare heart problem, and that coupled with RSV is not good at all. 

If you would like to read more about this family's story, please visit Jonathan's blog site HERE

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.