7 months and counting...

Today marks 7 months since Leo's passing. I can't believe how much time has passed already since his birth. It feels like it was just yesterday, and yet it feels distant at the same time. What fateful days those were; still are.

Yesterday our church sermon talked of Jesus' 40 days in the wilderness being tempted by the devil. The sermon talked of how we avoid our own "wilderness". How we each have endured our own set of disasters and temptations, and how in the end we can come out from our "40 days" renewed with the strength of God. The sermon talked of what happens when we "do without" in order to be and feel more like Him. Guess what, loosing a son fits that bill, in BIG ways. By doing "without" our son, we have become more like the One above, more loving, more thankful, more in tune with life and its true meaning. By doing "without" I can see His grace. Astonishing clarity has renewed my soul and given me the strength I need to always walk in His ways.


I have endured my wilderness. A time in which I wondered, "how will I make it through this?" I was able to let go of the "Earthly" things and focus on Him; a focus on listening to what He wants to do in my life, instead of the other way around. What a scary process, yet so encouraging, and peaceful. I have come out of the depths of despair, closer to Him than ever before... than I ever thought possible. How astounding, that in the midst of loosing my precious son, God has swooped in to show me more grace and love than I ever allowed myself to see before and the confidence to share it with the world!


I still have moments of deep sadness. How could I not? But I have persevered and embraced the change God has laid before me. For His strength has given me hope...


This week has been rough. More and more I am preparing myself for trying to conceive again. We have the green light to start trying in July... July which marks the 1 year anniversary of Leo's birth and death. My theory was "read all I can" so that I might be prepared for what feelings I might encounter when I do get pregnant again. Bad idea. Within the first 5 minutes of reading one of these "trying after loosing a baby" books, I am confronted with these statistics.... If you have had a previous placental abruption, your odds of a repeat occurrence in another pregnancy are 1 in 8 instead of 1 in 200. GGGGGRRREEEAAATTTT. FYI, NOT what I wanted to hear... talk about scaring me to death! Ummm, I almost died with Leo, and he died, so maybe I should give up this idea of "more children"??  And then I remember.... I remember that "memo to self" HE is in control. That His will be done. That I have to trust in Him with my whole heart. That He brought me out of "the wilderness"  for a reason, and if I can endure that, then what can I not endure?


So, I am ditching the books...because all I really need is Him. I have a lot to plan... medications to go off of, weight to finish loosing, routines to be in place. These things I can control, the rest is in His court and I trust that He will be with me no matter what the outcomes are.

I ask for your prayers, that I might trust in Him full-heartedly. That I might know the peace that only He can bring. I look forward to the journey ahead and to see where He takes me next.