Leo's Memorial Video....

After so much feedback from everyone

I decided to share the full version of Leo's Memorial Video.

Thank you for your prayers.

Thank you for your kind words.

Thank you for taking the time to share our

journey of faith and love through our beautiful son.

May God be glorified through this video and 

through Leo's memory.

Blessings and Love to you all...

Slowing loosing altitude.....

I've been doing pretty well with managing my grief.

Except this week.

Maybe it is the video we had made...

that beautifully captures Leo's essence.

Maybe it is the Facebook entries from other

complaining about being pregnant.

Maybe it is my fear of trying again in July...

and my 1 in 8 chances that I will have 

another placental abruption.

This has been a rough week.

An emotional week.

I know I'll get through it, but I guess as strong as I am, 

I even need a break to just grieve. 

 So many things to think about.

So many things to plan and prepare for.

Above all I have to trust in Him.

That though I am fearful, He is always there. 

Missing you today little man. Missing you BIG TIME.

A few minutes of Leo's Video... by K. Tobin Video Productions

Packing away the tears....

I sit in this rocking chair, gazing upon what would have been your nursery.

I think of all I had planned, all we had prepared.

I sold all the girl stuff I owned... We had gotten our wish, we were having a son!

You aren't here though.

Drawer upon drawer of tiny baby boy clothing.

Packing up your essence breaks my heart.

My mom is here, my best friend is here.

As tears stream down my face, 

I carefully fold each piece of layette as though it was as fragile as glass.

I find the tiny football themed sleeper I bought especially for you.

I imagine what it would have been like to see you in this precious garment.

You aren't here.

The realization hits me hard, as I rock back and forth in rhythm to my falling tears.

I find the blue blanket I bought.

Sunlight casts its glory across my lap as I cling to this blanket. 

You were supposed to come home in this blanket.

But you aren't coming home.

I pack up my heart that day. Bag upon bag of blue baby things.

Bag upon bag of items to return.

I find the tiny blue soft teething doll we got for you. I cling to it.

I take this doll with me wherever I go... for the first 3 weeks.

It is all I have. 

I painfully have to explain to clerks in the stores why I am returning these items.

I bluntly blurt out that you died. 

That we were expecting you in October, but you arrived in July.

That you didn't make it.

I ruin their day with my story. It pains me to share.

What else do I say?

Those days of packing away what was supposed to be, changed my world

forever.

I'll always remember how I felt. I'll always remember the hole left in my heart.

I'll always long for you to be in my arms.

7 months and counting...

Today marks 7 months since Leo's passing. I can't believe how much time has passed already since his birth. It feels like it was just yesterday, and yet it feels distant at the same time. What fateful days those were; still are.

Yesterday our church sermon talked of Jesus' 40 days in the wilderness being tempted by the devil. The sermon talked of how we avoid our own "wilderness". How we each have endured our own set of disasters and temptations, and how in the end we can come out from our "40 days" renewed with the strength of God. The sermon talked of what happens when we "do without" in order to be and feel more like Him. Guess what, loosing a son fits that bill, in BIG ways. By doing "without" our son, we have become more like the One above, more loving, more thankful, more in tune with life and its true meaning. By doing "without" I can see His grace. Astonishing clarity has renewed my soul and given me the strength I need to always walk in His ways.


I have endured my wilderness. A time in which I wondered, "how will I make it through this?" I was able to let go of the "Earthly" things and focus on Him; a focus on listening to what He wants to do in my life, instead of the other way around. What a scary process, yet so encouraging, and peaceful. I have come out of the depths of despair, closer to Him than ever before... than I ever thought possible. How astounding, that in the midst of loosing my precious son, God has swooped in to show me more grace and love than I ever allowed myself to see before and the confidence to share it with the world!


I still have moments of deep sadness. How could I not? But I have persevered and embraced the change God has laid before me. For His strength has given me hope...


This week has been rough. More and more I am preparing myself for trying to conceive again. We have the green light to start trying in July... July which marks the 1 year anniversary of Leo's birth and death. My theory was "read all I can" so that I might be prepared for what feelings I might encounter when I do get pregnant again. Bad idea. Within the first 5 minutes of reading one of these "trying after loosing a baby" books, I am confronted with these statistics.... If you have had a previous placental abruption, your odds of a repeat occurrence in another pregnancy are 1 in 8 instead of 1 in 200. GGGGGRRREEEAAATTTT. FYI, NOT what I wanted to hear... talk about scaring me to death! Ummm, I almost died with Leo, and he died, so maybe I should give up this idea of "more children"??  And then I remember.... I remember that "memo to self" HE is in control. That His will be done. That I have to trust in Him with my whole heart. That He brought me out of "the wilderness"  for a reason, and if I can endure that, then what can I not endure?


So, I am ditching the books...because all I really need is Him. I have a lot to plan... medications to go off of, weight to finish loosing, routines to be in place. These things I can control, the rest is in His court and I trust that He will be with me no matter what the outcomes are.

I ask for your prayers, that I might trust in Him full-heartedly. That I might know the peace that only He can bring. I look forward to the journey ahead and to see where He takes me next.

A Hospital like this....

Miracles....

They occur all over, at times when we least expect it. 

Families are shaken with disaster, and loss for hope...

then God swoops in, and SAVES the DAY.

MIRACLES...

Everyday, miraculous miracles are witnessed.

Baby Bronson is a miracle... watch his video story: Bronson's Mircale Video

I am SO touched by this family's story...
Bronson is a "Walking Lazarus"

I know what it is like to feel hopeless. 

To feel numb. scared. full of doubt and fear.

GOD is a GOD of miracles.  

I am inspired by His love and grace.

Inspired by how He touches other through the lives and stories of others.

INSPIRED.HOPEFUL. 

By His grace we are saved, and by His grace we are used for His Glory and His Works. My story... is part of His intricately woven tale of Life. 

Almost 7 months ago our lives were changed forever. and ever.

When we walked into this place...

 

This place changed us...

FOR HIS GLORY

We were blessed with a son here. 

We were blessed with the gift of my own life and his.

We were blessed with so many things.

Closeness.

Family. 

LOVE.

Our sermon this weekend touched on a story of a father who lost two sons in the 911 attacks. The father said he didn't have any "shoulda', woulda', coulda's". 

The father said, "who is lucky enough to have their son's hear "I love You" in the moments before they die?"

MY SON DID. 

My Leo went to heaven.. into the hands of Our Lord 

as we said over and over to him

we. love. you.

I couldn't have asked for more than that. 

I couldn't ask for more of a blessing then knowing the peace Leo had in those moments before his death.

Ushered into heaven with LOVE. 

Ushered into heaven with prayers, and song, and sunsets, and LOVE.   

Ushered into Heaven in the arms of mommy and daddy, saying "We love you".

What a blessing that is! What peace knowing his last moments...

Though my heart will always ache, and my soul will never be fully healed until the day we meet again...

I know Leo has been made Perfect in Heaven.

And that all he EVER knew was LOVE.

The LOVE of family.

The LOVE of Christ.

Blessings abound... it IS enough... this gift of precious life... is ENOUGH.

Moments change lives. Moments in which we soak in and really, 

really LIVE and FEEL.

Moments that if they had gone differently, would have changed things forever.

Moments that were all part of HIS plan.

Kiss your babies tonight. 

Above all, always end with...

I. LOVE. YOU.

1 John 4:19

We love because He first loved us.    

Remember...

 

This Valentine's Day...

give your loved ones kisses,

and hugs,

and Loves.

Remember the precious moments you have and give Thanks...

Thanks for the giggles,

Thanks for the smiles,

Thanks for breaths and sighs,

All are a Gift.

Such a Precious gift.

Thank God for full arms, and full hearts.

Thank God for sleepless nights, and runny noses.

For screeching laughter, and pain stricken tears.

Give thanks for all the moments you have.

You don't know how lucky you are...

Happy Valentine's Day my Precious Leo.

Mommy loves you... always

XXX

      

Please pray for baby Weston...

A fellow photographer, Jonathan Canlas' son Weston is in the hospital with a severe case of RSV. 

Please pray for Baby Weston. 

He was born with a rare heart problem, and that coupled with RSV is not good at all. 

If you would like to read more about this family's story, please visit Jonathan's blog site HERE

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.

February 3, 2010

Everywhere I turn, I am reminded of you.
This trip is hard.... harder than I thought it would be.
I miss you dearly my little Leo.
I watch as little boys tottle around, grasping their mommy's hand.
I watch new baby boys clutching to their mother's chest in front packs of all kinds.
I miss you.
You were supposed to be here with me, with us, on this trip to Disneyland.
Our first family trip... and yet you aren't here.
I am drawn to all the infant clothing in all the shops.
I pick up a tiny blue knit hat that features little Mickey ears.
Tears start to fall.
I want you here.
I want to bring this hat home.
But it won't change anything.
I miss my precious son... it is almost more than I can bear this week.
I see Nevaeh's eyes dance with delight at the wonder around her.
I wish I could have seen it in you too.
So many things I long to have witnessed with you.

I. Miss. You.
I long to hold you close... I just wish things were different.
I know God has bigger plans.
My trust is in Him.
He is my Refuge and my Strength.
My faith has pulled me through.... my faith is the only thing keeping me afloat this week.

I miss my son.
Why did it have to be like this?
How do I move forward from this?

Lord, strengthen and comfort me. Guide me and use me for Your glory. Your unending love is enough. Your love and peace keep me going. By your grace, I will see my son again one day and we will live together in the midst of Your glory forever and ever. In Jesus Name, Amen.