My life has changed so much since you passed away. Daily I am reminded that you are not here with me. Longing grips me with such fierce emotions that I can't seem to contain my tears. October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. A Walk to Remember is being coordinated. It all sucks. My life wasn't supposed to be like this. You are supposed to be in my arms, safe and sound. Instead, I am left with fleeting memories, empty arms, and a sign-up sheet for "remembering lost babies". Life is hard to swallow on days like this. I'm strong, but sad... completely changed, but not broken.
I miss you sweet baby. All around my friend's babies are turning one in a few months.... a constant reminder of how I've been left behind with ashes. Everything has changed. I would give anything to hold you again. I gaze upon your photographs, remembering every hair on your head, and the depth of your blue eyes. Each day your memory is more poignant in my thoughts.
Others don't seem to understand; and it makes it all that much worse. Friends complain about having two children, about how hard it is.... I don't think I can take much more. Don't people see how painful it is for me? Don't people realize that sharing their plans for a third child hurts? Why is there a need for others to rub it in my face??!! No one understands... or no one really cares. I'm giving up on trying to be strong and tolerant of others inability to attempt to understand. I don't have it in me anymore. Deep breaths... pain slowly moves in, gripping my heart. Each week brings new problems and new developments. People who once brought comfort, now bring pain and conflict.
...Lord, give me strength....
I grasp on to what I have...
...not a chubby baby finger, or a ring of curls, or even a cuddly hug.....
I grasp on to what I have........
....... a registration form for "a walk to remember"....
Posts
5 years ago
