For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!

Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand.

Psalm 139: 13-18

Our Leo


I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him. So now I give him to the Lord. For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord.

1 Samuel 1:27-28

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Dresser Drawer | Infant Loss Awareness

Dresser Drawer...


Bathed in soft light,
You left us to greet angels above.
I watched as your soul gently left your tiny body,
Wishing I could hold on to you just a little while longer.

Soft plucking of harp strings
Welcomes you to the golden light
of God's loving embrace.
Family greets you with smiles and love,
Pain and tears are all wiped away,
And you are encircled and join in a symphony of praising your Father in heaven.

I tell you I love you one last time...
I whisper in your tiny ear, "I'll be there soon." 
Tears thicken in my shattered heart.

I gather everything you've touched,
Wanting to bottle up this feeling so I can have it forever.
No more will I see your face.
No more will my heart be full.


All I have is a drawer...
Filled with mementos that aren't worthy of remembering you by.
Every kiss I placed on your head haunts me. 
Your soft skin against my cheek is all I long for.


All I have are your ashes and a few fleeting memories...
Until I am greeted with the light of your embrace,
When I make my home, up in the sky,  just like you did...

All I have is my baby in the dresser drawer...



I wear a coat of angels' breath and warm myself with His love. 
~Terri Guillemets

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Sunday, December 19, 2010

You Never Know | Infant Loss

" Only one who has been washed in the blood of the Lamb
can both weep and laugh at the same time, and with hearts
that are breaking in pieces scattered all over the floor say
with sincerity and honesty that it is well with my soul..."
- Gary J. Oliver

Time and time again I am shocked by my encounters with strangers who have no regard for others. I'm a realist, striving to be an optimist in this crazy world, but more and more reality smacks me in the face. Yesterday just reaffirms my anguish in yet another series of ridiculous events that cause deep wounds in my already broken heart. 

I value myself as a decent parent, one who disciplines appropriately and follows through with consequences. So, when I am confronted by a store clerk about my parenting skills I am a little taken a-back. To give you a rough idea of the scene, my husband and I were choosing new glasses at the optometrist. This process was taking far too long, as this un-efficent clerk was taking her sweet time. I did my best to keep my three year old daughter occupied with games on my iphone, showing her different items int he store, etc, but, after being patient for over an hour, she was starting to get bored and rambunctious. I quietly took her out of the store multiple times to calm her down and let her know that we were in a store and that we needed to be quiet and patient. After the longest hour of my life, my hubby was finally able to take our daughter to another part of the store while I finished up the transaction. As soon as they left, this woman politely informed me with the following: 

"Is she always that hyperactive? You know, I raised many kids, even crack babies, and let me tell you, behavior like your daughters just gets worse with age. You really need to think about your parenting. Maybe if she wasn't an only child, she would behave better..."

As I gaged on my words and anger searing through my brain all I could think of was WOW. Is this today's world? A world in which a laughing child in a store could cause such a problem for another parent? A world in which customer service consists of telling strangers they are bad parents? 

"If God hides the reason for His works from us, and it is too high
for us to reach, let us shut our mouths;... let us glorify God and
not be ashamed to be ignorant. The true wisdom of the faithful is
to know no more than it has pleased God to show them."
- John Calvin

Lucky for her, I am a Christian woman. So I prayed for patience, quietly took the brunt force trauma to my ego, paid and left. I left the store feeling an inch tall. Not only am I a bad parent, but even worse because I only have one living child. I could have informed her that I have 2 children, that my son lives in Heaven. I could have told her to F-Off, or mind her business, but I didn't. I just prayed and took up my "Cross" yet again. 

"He (the Christian believer) can say, "If I should lose all I have, it is better
that I should lose than have if God so wills: 
the worst calamity is the wisest and the kindest thing that could befall me if God ordains it." 
"We know that all things work together for good to them that love God."
-Charles Spurgeon


I left the store and headed to find my husband and daughter. Rattled by this encounter I started into an emotional downward spiral. Luckily we were headed to church, and I found hope and comfort in realizing clarity I am blessed with and that despite others opinions, I am proud of where I am today as a parent and a person. I just pray that the next time my daughter who tests off the charts for her age is compared to a crack baby, I'll be able to keep my cool. I really don't want to be forced to pull the "I have a dead baby" card, but I am getting close to the end of my rope.

"The only right attitude towards suffering is worship,
or humble self-surrender."
-John R. W. Stott

2011, you can't arrive quickly enough!! 

This is my comfort in my affliction,
that Your Word has revived me.
- Psalm 119:50

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Christmas Reflections....



As Christmas quickly approaches, I'm yet again distracted that my little man is not with us. His stocking hangs lovingly placed between ours, reminding us that he should be here. I fight the urge to buy a small gift for him; what would I do with it? I sit, broken hearted, watching in awe as Nevaeh discovers more wonders of Christmas, longing for Leo to be next to her, experiencing it all as well. My heart aches knowing I will never have these memories with him. 


I find myself reminiscing over the days I had with Leo. I've struggled significantly in moving forward as any mother would. I have had to defend my son's existence to far too many people who are close to me. That alone causes scars that are much deeper than those of loosing a child. This gapping hole I wear in my heart, aches with a longing I can't describe. 


And so, we are at a cross roads, trying to get pregnant again. All I can think of is that this next baby won't replace Leo. That I still will have a hole in my world, where he should be. We never forget our children.. they are part of our very souls. 


God has also placed Kenya on my heart. I'm being led towards adopting from Kenya in addition to having another biological child. As I sit imagining bringing home a child from Kenya, I am brought to tears. This is so heavy on my heart I feel as though I might explode. I know this is years down the line. Please keep us in your prayers and we explore this incredible journey into international adoption and trying to get pregnant again. We have faith that things will work out, and are so thankful for the support we've gained from so many others.


©Micah Albert 




This Christmas, 

Hold your precious little ones...
Savor their gleaming eyes as they absorb Christmas wonders.
Capture moments today, 
because you never know what those memories could mean...
Remember those in need this Christmas,
and bless others as you have been blessed. 
Kiss the cheeks of those you love and 
take a moment to hug a little longer this Christmas....