Sunday was the 7th annual Walk to Remember held in Longview. This event brings awareness to infant and pregnancy loss and gives grieving parents a safe place to share their stories and remember the little ones we've lost.
I was nervous heading into this event, as I didn't know what to expect. I was concerned this event wasn't going to meet my expectations and that instead of being healing, it would depress us further. I am so glad we went and that my expectations were exceeded. Many people don't understand my concern over the event, so allow me to explain. I don't get to plan a 1st birthday, or see my son crawl for the first time, of hear him say "mama". All I have are events like these to outwardly express my love for him in a public setting. My fear was that this event wouldn't be nice enough to do my son justice. That may sound strange, but this has been an issue from the start for me. I remember when Leo was born and I was so mad that I didn't have a blanket worthy enough to wrap him in. I reluctantly took the hand crocheted blanket donate to the NICU from the nurse to wrap him in after he passed. I came home with empty arms, feeling like a horrible mother for not having something nice enough to clothe him in at the hospital. I clutched a blue blanket I bought on clearance thinking, "If only I had known, I would have bought something worthy!"
It is strange the things that bother us in times such as these, but I was pleasantly surprised to be surrounded by other parents who understand the type of grief we are coping with. I felt part of something, part of a group who has seen some of the hardest times and have pulled through together.
More and more often I feel left behind these days. Just about every friend I have has been blessed with 2 living children, and I feel left in the dust being the odd-ball so to speak. I'm desperately trying to move forward from these feelings, but it is a hard thing to swallow. My longing for my son is more than I can describe. Being able to attend events like these really helps me to find my place in this new world I have been thrown into.
This poem by Elizabeth Dent completely captures how I feel:
Go ahead and mention my child.
The one that died, you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further.
The depth of my pain doesn't show.
Don't worry about making me cry. I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing
The tears that I try to hide.
Im hurt when you just keep silent,
Pretending he didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my child,
Knowing that he has been missed.
You asked me how I was doing.
I say "pretty good" or "fine".
But healing is something ongoging.
I feel it will take a lifetime.
Here are some pictures from this year's Walk to Remember.
We all got to light a candle in honor of the child we lost. |
Those are beautiful pictures! I am so sorry Leo is not here with you, but you honor his life so beautifully on your blog & through your photography.
ReplyDelete-Melissa
My Dear Kellene,
ReplyDeleteI have never seen such a beautiful blog as u made for Leo.U write so well and tell Leo's story so amazing.But Leo is and always will be one amazing little baby boy.I just know he knows just how much u all loved him and still do.And he knows just how very much u miss him too.Your faith just amazes me.And i can feel our Lord as i read your blog and your life with Leo and with out him in your life.I so wish he was here with u and his loving family.Your pictures and video's of Leo and his few days of life.Have me in tears.As i try to write whats in my heart.I can hardly see anything.As i keep wiping the tears away.Thank u so much for sharing such personal times with us all.The pictures and video's are breathtaking.Leo's beauty is so way beyond words.And u and your husband and that sweet special little girl and Leo.Will forever be in my heart.I feel so very blessed to have met u on bbc.And i was so honored that u added me as a friend.I look forward to getting to know u and your wonderful loving family.I will never forget your Leo as long as i live.For he stold my heart when i saw his beautiful face.I love u sweet Leo.And your amazing family.I hope u know what im trying to say.Im not that good with words.But i do know how my heart feels about u and your family.As a angel mama myself.I know your pain.And u are one of the strongest women i know.And i pray for u and your family every night as i light Leo's candle.Again thank u so much for sharing your most touching feelings thru your walk without your sweet Leo.Remember he is always with u.And what a day it will be when it is our turn to go home.You will once again be with him.God Bless u all and i send u all my love and so many loving hugs.How i wish i could hold u and hug u.But i know i cant.Cause we live pretty far away.But know u are all loved and cared about by me.Talk with u soon. Love always Linda (angel mom of 4 and 3 angel grandbabies)