Journal Entry...

August 13, 2009

I am loosing it today. I am so numb. I never really woke up this morning; my mind is in such a fog. What a crummy day! What really happened… nothing, nothing except I lost my son; my son who looked like my dad and me. Who had my dads’ chin and mouth and ears.  Why did this happen? I found a white crocheted blanket today. It made me mad. Why didn’t I think of this when I was in the hospital? I could have wrapped Leo in this blanket. UGH! I am so pissed at myself today. Anger fills me quickly these days… worse than normal. And what the fuck is with my so-called friend? What a joke our friendship is. The disappointment smacked me in the face this afternoon like a soccer cleat to the groin. Why do people pretend to give a shit? PS people, my son is dead!  So when you say, “I didn’t want to be in the way” or some other bullshit, just spare me. When did being supportive cross the line of “being in the way”. Let’s face it, what you are REALLY trying to say is you don’t want to have to deal with it, that YOU have your own issues on the subject, and that really you don’t have time to care. I am SO sick of the cop-out of “I just don’t know what to say”…funny, NEITHER DO I! What do I expect from someone who doesn’t have any faith? shame on me for expecting more from a friend of 6 years.  And oh, how I am NOT looking forward to this weekend away with Scott. He hasn’t said more than 10 words to me all week. Why are we in a funk? We need to talk more now than ever and yet he comes home, is quite, and I just get more angry and hurt. Tears are threatening to spill over tonight and really I have no clue why. I am so tired and so freaked out about photographing this wedding this weekend. I hope I can find my artistic center. God is my only hope at this point. I am so freaked out about this wedding. Why? I know what I am doing, for the most part that is. I don’t want to go to the beach; it will just make me think about how I’ll never bring my Leo to the beach. Man this sucks. Everything in my life will always be, “I wish Leo were here with us.” What a revelation that is! I will always be suffocating on my own sorrow. My heart will forever be scarred. I hold back tears because if I let go, the force of Niagara Falls will flow from my eyes and never end. How do you come back from this type of thing? I read blogs from other women who share in my misery and 3+ years later they are still angry and hurting and longing for their lost ones. Will this loss always define me? Should I feel guilty for not wanting it to define me? Or guilty because I want it too? Oh how to navigate this new part of my life.

 

The rain pounds my windowsill. Each drop reminds me of the soft plucking of harp strings. Harp strings, like the harpist who played during Leo’s final hours. Her soft melodies blotted out the never-ending bleeping of life support machines. What a blur those final hours were. Red eyed family members with tear stained cheeks filter in and out of the room; everyone clinging to the person next to them, hoping to be roused from this nightmare.  I am handed Leo for the first time and I fall apart. My sobs jerk me back to reality and I struggle to control myself as my tiny son barely fills my palms. I lay him skin to skin on my chest and I feel my heart swell to double its size. My tears threaten to drench his tiny head as I struggle to get a hold of myself. His hair, oh my gosh he already has hair, hair with curl, dark hair, like mine. He grips my finger, how can this be? How can I be holding my son already? He should still be inside me. I try to hold on to this moment for as long as I can, but it is no use. My mind is 100 different places other than where it should be. I need to focus but I can’t. I look down at my beautiful son and imagine him healthy. I don’t want to you to be here yet. I want more time dammit, I want more time.