Walk to Remember | Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness

Sunday was the 7th annual Walk to Remember held in Longview. This event brings awareness to infant and pregnancy loss and gives grieving parents a safe place to share their stories and remember the little ones we've lost. 

I was nervous heading into this event, as I didn't know what to expect. I was concerned this event wasn't going to meet my expectations and that instead of being healing, it would depress us further. I am so glad we went and that my expectations were exceeded. Many people don't understand my concern over the event, so allow me to explain. I don't get to plan a 1st birthday, or see my son crawl for the first time, of hear him say "mama". All I have are events like these to outwardly express my love for him in a public setting. My fear was that this event wouldn't be nice enough to do my son justice. That may sound strange, but this has been an issue from the start for me. I remember when Leo was born and I was so mad that I didn't have a blanket worthy enough to wrap him in. I reluctantly took the hand crocheted blanket donate to the NICU from the nurse to wrap him in after he passed. I came home with empty arms, feeling like a horrible mother for not having something nice enough to clothe him in at the hospital. I clutched a blue blanket I bought on clearance thinking, "If only I had known, I would have bought something worthy!"

It is strange the things that bother us in times such as these, but I was pleasantly surprised to be surrounded by other parents who understand the type of grief we are coping with. I felt part of something, part of a group who has seen some of the hardest times and have pulled through together. 

More and more often I feel left behind these days. Just about every friend I have has been blessed with 2 living children, and I feel left in the dust being the odd-ball so to speak. I'm desperately trying to move forward from these feelings, but it is a hard thing to swallow. My longing for my son is more than I can describe. Being able to attend events like these really helps me to find my place in this new world I have been thrown into.

This poem by Elizabeth Dent completely captures how I feel:

Go ahead and mention my child.

The one that died, you know.

Don't worry about hurting me further.

The depth of my pain doesn't show.

Don't worry about making me cry. I'm already crying inside.

Help me to heal by releasing

The tears that I try to hide.

Im hurt when you just keep silent,

Pretending he didn't exist.

I'd rather you mention my child,

Knowing that he has been missed.

You asked me how I was doing.

I say "pretty good" or "fine".

But healing is something ongoging.

I feel it will take a lifetime.  

Here are some pictures from this year's Walk to Remember. 

We all got to light a candle in honor of the child we lost.

you are everywhere little man | advocate for pragnancy and infant loss

Let's just say that since loosing my little man a little over a year ago, my body has been a wreck. Physically a wreck. Between the sudden drop in hormones from an emergency c-section, to the depression and anxiety of loosing our son, to the pain meds as I healed from surgery, from doing way too much planning a memorial, running a household,  healing from loss, and of course pursuing me photography career.... all these things take a toll. My blood pressure has been border-line high since being pregnant with Nevaeh, so, when it was high during my pregnancy with Leo, we weren't too concerned, since we already had a healthy baby girl and a delivery with no complications. Little did we know that my blood pressure is the most likely cause of our tragedy. Since then, I have been to countless doctors trying to figure out the best course of action.

Today after having a steadily rising high blood-pressure all day and struggling with another anxiety attack I checked my blood pressure at home again to see if I should head to the ER. My blood pressure was 155/95.... not horrible, but not good. So, I packed Nevaeh in the car, with my best " oh mommy is fine, we are going to just go talk to the nice doctor". I urgently called my dad and sister to come meet me, since the last I came to this same ER as a "precaution" it ended in tragedy.

Thanks to the FABULOUS Legacy Salmon Creek Hospital, I waited a mere 10 minutes before I was in a gown having yet another EKG. My blood pressure was up to 166/107. After a dose of anxiety meds and monitoring, my pressure came back down to 134/83 within an hour. Luckily in this world of technology, my ER doctor was able to view every aspect of my records from 6 different doctors. After reviewing all my past workups and issues, he said, " You need to be on blood pressure medication, and should have been for awhile now." FYI this has been my theory all along, but what does a dumb mom who went through a placental abruption know (which are only caused by a) trauma b) cocaine use c) smoking or d) HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE.... DING DING DING Winner Winner Chicken Dinner.

Despite what you all might think, I am happy and relieved to have some answers and a medical plan for what I have been struggling with for years now. I am praying that with close monitoring and medication that I can get my body back to a healthy functioning level soon. It has been a tough road, and I am praying that this is the start of a "new day".

Thanks for all your continued prayers and thoughts of comfort! I love you all!!

HOLY CRAP are my thighs THAT big? Note to Self.... slim thighs.... or.. wear spanks at ALL TIMES..

It is well with my soul...

Remember that day?

Remember that day we thought everything would be fine?

Remember that day we were just being cautious?

The day our whole world changed.

The day we were blessed with a son.

Remember those fleeting moments?

Remember the fear and the pain?

Remember when we held our son as he died in our arms?

Remember how God spared my life and not my son’s?

I remember.

I don't know His plans for me, or what my journey has in store. I have been so blessed in my life... and though I miss my baby boy, I know  “it is good with my soul.”

Philippians 4:6-7 

6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus

Walk to Remember...

My life has changed so much since you passed away. Daily I am reminded that you are not here with me. Longing grips me with such fierce emotions that I can't seem to contain my tears. October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. A Walk to Remember is being coordinated. It all sucks. My life wasn't supposed to be like this. You are supposed to be in my arms, safe and sound. Instead, I am left with fleeting memories, empty arms, and a sign-up sheet for "remembering lost babies". Life is hard to swallow on days like this. I'm strong, but sad... completely changed, but not broken. 


I miss you sweet baby. All around my friend's babies are turning one in a few months.... a constant reminder of how I've been left behind with ashes. Everything has changed. I would give anything to hold you again. I gaze upon your photographs, remembering every hair on your head, and the depth of your blue eyes. Each day your memory is more poignant in my thoughts. 


Others don't seem to understand; and it makes it all that much worse. Friends complain about having two children, about how hard it is.... I don't think I can take much more. Don't people see how painful it is for me? Don't people realize that sharing their plans for a third child hurts? Why is there a need for others to rub it in my face??!! No one understands... or no one really cares. I'm giving up on trying to be strong and tolerant of others inability to attempt to understand. I don't have it in me anymore. Deep breaths... pain slowly moves in, gripping my heart. Each week brings new problems and new developments. People who once brought comfort, now bring pain and conflict. 


...Lord, give me strength....


I grasp on to what I have... 


...not a chubby baby finger, or a ring of curls, or even a cuddly hug.....


I grasp on to what I have........


....... a registration form for "a walk to remember".... 

One Year... and still you live on....

 

To my son,


One year. One year without you in my life; in my arms. Tears still fall, pain still strickens my core. I walk from one day to the next, aching to ease the subtle grief that never seems to cease from lingering on my heart. Cuddling friend's little ones deepens my longing for you. I miss you. I think think back to the fateful day you were brought into this world, and still wonder why my life was spared and not yours. With every inch of my being I knew what was to come that warm July morning. Oh how terrible, and and comforting to know what was to happen in your final hours. I am blessed to have known you and blessed to have been your mommy, even if for only a little while. I cling to our moments together. The crimson scar I wear is a constant reminder of our short time together; its one of the only things I have. Your sister asks about you often; she wonders when we can bring you home. Swallowing tears is something I am adept to these days, as I remind her where you are. She always smiles and says, "Oh yea mommy, he is sleeping with the angels and the harps." I always wonder if there are harps... she always says it. I wonder what she knows and what she sees. She is my window into your resting place. I still catch glimpses of you in her sleeping face.

July 4, 2010
"I sit on my bed with your box of treasures. Opening the lid, I gaze upon the casts of your hands and feet. I forget how tiny you were in my palms. These tiny casts of your feet illustrate your incredibly small size. Tears fall as I hold the velvet pouch with your ashes. Closing the lid, I breath deep, and put your things back in the drawer. This communion we have, this remembering, is so precious to me."


I cautiously prayed about how to honor you as we approached the one year anniversary of your passing. Suddenly I was struck with the idea to ask others to participate in a name memorial. I wasn't sure what to expect, or if anyone one would be interested in being part of this special project. Boy, was I wrong. For 2 weeks now my inbox has been flooded with heartfelt words of love and encouragement along with images of your precious name captured by strangers who have been touch by the story of your precious life... 


I am inspired by your strength to share and touched by your story, and Leo's.  Thank you so much for sharing. You are amazing! As we were lighting the candles for one of these pictures, we prayed for Leo. Each and every one of those, so precious and unique just like him. I am awed by your strength and your faith. I have now been touched by you and Leo. i can't help but see him in everything. I just want to tell you that I think you have grown into a very strong amazing woman.I love you!! I'm hoping and praying many people come together to celebrate Leo. I LOVE this memorial Kellene, it's beautiful! My first time photographing letters out of things, I have wanted to do that for a long time, so glad this was reason for my first. thank you for allowing me to be a part of something so special.

How incredible God is! How astounding that again this precious story of your life is being used to touch others.

*If you'd like to read about my journey, click here and here to read a few poignant journal entries about those fateful days

Dear Friends,
I am so thankful that God put on my heart to share Leo's story. As I wrote the account of those fateful days, I was hesitant to share the full magnitude of my vulnerability with the world. I am so glad I did! As time has gone on, I realize how many people long to see how faith can change lives, even in the worst of situations. Being used to glorify God through this tragedy is so much more than I could ever have asked for and I am honored to have filled this role.


Thank you for remembering with me. Thank you for sharing in the life of my little boy and for allowing his preciousness to live on. Thank you for walking this journey with me; I am so thankful for you all!

In Memory of My Leo...

"Heaven is the place where he takes my hand, and leads me to You, and we both run into Your arms"

Leo's Memorial Project!! Come and see how you can help!!

Thank you to EVERYONE who has participated in Leo's Memorial Project!! If you'd like to participate, just come up with a creative way to feature Leo's Name, take a picture of it, and email it to: kellene.maynard@gmail.com. Please be sure to include your first name and the city and state you live in.

This project has truly touched my heart, as it allows for my little man to touch the lives of others even after he has been gone almost a full year. If you'd like to read a little bit about our story click here. Thank you all, and I look forward to seeing more submissions!!

Here is what we have received so far!

Come be part of a great thing!!

This month marks the one-year anniversary since our son Leo passed away after being born at 30 weeks due to a placental rupture.  The past year has been a rough journey of both sorrow and faith. As we approach this season of remembering, many of you have asked what we were planning to do to remember Leo. After thinking long and hard, and asking other’s their ideas, I have come up with something everyone can participate in to celebrate his life!!

So, if you’d like to participate, here are the details…. I would like to start a Name Memorial for Leo. Find a creative way to write his name and capture it. You can write it in sand, in a letter, on an object, etc. You can incorporate anything you’d like… flowers, balloons, stuffed animals… be creative and have fun with it! The images will be featured on my blogs in a slideshow for everyone to enjoy.

Email your images to: kellene.maynard@gmail.com Please be sure to include you name and where you are from with your submission!!!

Thank you ALL for participating in remembering our little man with us. Your love and support has brought us through the darkest time in our lives. We love you!!

Missing you...

I search for signs of you

everywhere....

Little ones I see remind me of you.

Silent tears echo in my soul, never ceasing to fall.

Each step is a bittersweet moment 

as I walk through life without you.

I gaze upon your image

Part of you is always with me...

I miss you little man. 

Almost a year has past... how has it been this long already?

Clinging to your memory I will always be...

Mommy misses you little one.

XOXO

Sea Midst and Moments...

Sea midst sprays my face as I gaze upon the sun as it makes it's way
toward the oceans edge. An ember sphere of light casts a golden band
of warmth across the water. Orange light mixes with dazzling blue as
it greets the shore in a sigh. I watch the ebb and flow as water
rushes forward and retreats, pooling among the rocks. Turtles play at
the edge of the reef. Raising their heads, they send smiles my
direction as they quickly dart back under the water as if to play hide
and seek. I watch them in this round of discovery, curiously
wondering what they must be thining. Back along the shore line, three
couples are exchanging vows in the soft light of the evening. Conch
shells call others to join as sacred words are spoken. Under the
umbrella of His creation, we silently inhale the surroundings, hoping
to capture a piece of this scene forever. The sun disappears among the
clouds as its edge lightly grazes the surface of the water. Towering
mountains rise to the heavens, a guide to begining and end. Palm
leaves shutter in the evening breeze. A lullabye of sounds engulf my
ears as I savor the combination of warmth, waves, and wind. Lovers
sit, experiencing new and remembering old. Waves lap at my feet as I
leisurely walk the shores length. Sunlight streams it's way across my
face; it's warmth invites a smile, enveloping me in a firery glow.

Leo; I sketch your name in the sand. It is a race as I attempt to
capture your name before the next wave sweeps it back into the depths
of the sea. Finally, I capture it. This moment freezes in time...
Nothing else matters. For a moment you are here with me. For a moment
all is as it should be. And then, in another instant, it is over. I watch each letter
become erased by sweeping water as it reaches, takes, and retreats
again. Tears fill my eyes as I say goodbye once again. Will the
goodbyes ever end? I feel him with me. The moment overwhelms my
senses. My heart fills my throat, threatening to explode. 
I gaze out as the sun dips low on the horizon. 
The clouds part and glowing orange and pink saturate the sky again.  

Turtles are back to playing, using their limbs to saunter to and fro in the shallow
water surrounding the rocks. They remind me of little ones playing
together without fears or worry. I sigh. I glance behind me to find
newly weds with arms encircled, embracing in this soft light. All is
quiet but the  lapping of waves against our feet. The three couples
are all in white... Like angels floating along waters edge. The depth
of the moment impacts us; even as strangers we recognize the communion
with sky, earth and sea as it creates a clearness of mind.

I stay long after the light is gone; until only a faint glow extends
from the depths of the suns hidden path. I hate leaving. I gather my
things as I step back into the present.  I carry these moments in my
heart as I trek up the beach. My last fleeting glance captures the
light disappearing into utter darkness. It is enough...

Urgent prayer request!!

Please pray for my dear friend Alisha who is currently in the hospital
experiencing pregnacy problems similar to what I went through with
Leo. Her amniotic fluid is very low and baby is behind in weight
development. Please pray for Alisha, baby, and family as they endure
these uncertain times. Pray for the doctors, that God might grant them
the wisdom to make right decisions. Please pray for miracles to
happen, for problems to heal, and for a healthy delivery weeks from now.

Thank you all for your support. Updates will be provided as I am made
aware of the situation.

Blessings to you all!

Kellene Maynard, Photographer
(360)518-6837
www.bellaluciaphotography.com
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