Missing you...

I'm missing you little one.

Why did things turn out this way? 

So many things cross my mind, and yet I know you are still here with me... in my heart and mind.

I love you so much. 

Every breath I breathe, I feel the tug of my heart strings longing to hold you again.

I patiently wait for the day to hold you in my arms again.

To love you, to see you smile, to see you shining for God.

Know that mommy loves you.

More than ever imaginable.

I miss you my precious boy. 

How has it been 8 months since your last heart beats?

It seems like only yesterday that my worst nightmare became reality.

It was but a moment ago that I held you close and kissed your tiny head. 

I close my eyes and can still feel your silken hair on my lips.

The grip of your tiny fingers on mine warms my heart and makes me sigh. 

I miss you my love.

Mommy loves you so so so so so so much.

Kisses and hugs from mommy....

8 months and counting....

As I journey towards the 8 month mark of loosing you, I am just sad. Heartbroken. Realizing all I dreamed for you is no more. No longer our my thoughts on your future. Daily I am reminded you aren't here with me. I gaze upon your images, longing to hold your preciousness once again. How do I move beyond this loss and back to a reality where "dead baby" isn't blazon all over the world around me? I know you are in Heaven. I know you are where there is no pain and where no suffering exists. I also know you aren't here. The room you were meant to share lacks your presence. I search for the next step in remembering you. I hear of memorial tattoos, quilts, paintings. How can I sum you up with something made by human hands?

I long to find the magic answer to my quest in honoring your precious life. Your memory will forever live on in my heart and soul. My words of love for you will never cease. Forever will my heart be imprinted with your tiny footprints. My heart aches for you. I ache for all the moments we had, and the moments we didn't. No one understands. Most don't even try. How can they not realize, I say... they go about their meaningless lives, never really realizing what they have been blessed with. All they see are those things made by human hands. How lucky am I to see beyond the facade of life... to see into the depths of things that go unseen to so many. How alone am I in these realizations, and yet full of peace I cannot explain... other than it is a gift from Christ.

If God is love, then I know God. From every heartbeat, every hair on your head, every moment, and every gaze. I know Him. Because I know love. Love for another that could move mountains and swallow seas.

I gaze into the mirror, making final adjustments to my painted face... more earthly things. I gaze down at my still swollen form. Monday I had a son. Tuesday I held him as he died. Now it is Saturday, and I am preparing for the next passage of the journey. My black dress offers others a glimpse of my inner emotions. I pin flowers in my hair; it is important to still be myself in the midst of this tragic event. I hold my head high as I take my place at church. Those who I would normally stand for are now showing their respects to me. My Sicilian heart knows these rituals as if I have lived them in another life. I am strong. Everyone looks at me for the next move. As I make my way into the sanctuary, I am comforted with the familiar surroundings. The service is touching, written by myself and our pastor. I ponder how many new roles I have filled in the last 6 short days. Mother, wife, support person, decision maker, daughter, leader, consoler, mourner, writer, composer, photographer, coordinator, mediator, comedian, gardner, patient, teacher, lover, peacemaker... so many shoes to fill in a mere 6 days. Now I am the story teller. I am being called to mark this journey, this memory, on paper.

Some say "write a book". Where do I begin? There could be a book hidden between these many pages and my soul. God has a plan for this story. His hands will guide me and He will always be my refuge. His love is my compass. I wait patiently for His commands. He is my strength. Whom shall I fear?

Connected together with the sinews of love, we are all of One. We love because He first loved us. By His grace we are saved and by His grace we are made new, in perfect love. I know that my life is a mere moment in the fog of eternity. I know that the honor of receiving His love and grace is something so beyond my need for fully understanding. I truly know that God is Love.

I miss you my Leo. But I trust and KNOW that you are loved, and with love, and in the arms of Jesus. If you were here I would hold and cuddle you. I would rock you to sleep singing you a lullaby. I would softly kiss your head and tell you "mommy's here". I would hug you tight and never want to let you go. But I know that in this moment, you are in His arms, praising His name, experiencing His love... what more could I ask for? What could be more comforting than knowing you are in the presence of the His true Love?

Mommy loves you my sweet dear boy... so much. You will always hold my heart.

XX,

Mommy

Thoughts to Ponder....

Lately I have had a lot on my mind... pondering getting pregnant again, fears of the unknown, fears about myself, and about things going on in the world around me. In everything, God has blessed me with clarity. The clarity to see truth in so many situations and the strength to do what is RIGHT. I have always been a person of faith, and a person who stands by their convictions. Time and time again, I sacrifice scores of friendships, popularity, and positions of power in my unwillingness to conform into something I didn't believe in. My moral compass has always been steadfast, and for that I am truly thankful. God has blessed me with such strength and endurance. In Him, I can do all things. Whom shall I fear? Where can I go that He isn't there? 


Since the death of our son, I have taken stock of my life and of my decisions. I may have missed out on some opportunities in my youth, but I know that in doing so I have pleased my Father. I can no longer stand back and be subject to behavior against my own moral compass, against what God has commanded of me. Who am I to question His commands? I have dealt with much pain and suffering these past 5 years; but in pain, we are taught so much. It is when we are suffering that we are closest to God and the most receptive to his love and commands for our lives. Despite what I have endured, I see what good has come of it all. I am so strong, through Christ who strengthens me. I am so blessed.


I don't know my whole purpose for my time here on earth. I do know that I am to do what God commands of me. I do know that I am to love and to stand by what I know to be right in Him. I know that I am meant to teach my children the ways of our Lord. I know I am meant to bring His light to the world around me. Through my photography, my writing, my love, my faith and endurance, through my example, I am to be His servant and His hands and feet. I am honored in the ways He has chosen to use me, and I pray that He continues to do so. 


I have been blessed with so many people throughout this journey of mine. The ones who stand out are the ones of faith. I have recently been united with those of my past... all of whom know Him. Isn't it incredible how God places people in our lives years before their impact on your heart will be felt? Time and time again I am astounded by His love and grace and the intricacies of His plans. 


I am so thankful for this love, so thankful that someone as lowly as myself, has been blessed with His grace.


Dear Lord,


Your love is enough. You know. I believe, help my unbelief. Help me to trust in You always, and in all things. Help me to keep my eyes on You. Help me to love you with a purer, deeper, all encompassing love. Help me Lord to prepare, for what You've already prepared for me. Lord, make me a blessing to others. Use me for Your works... May Your will be done. Help me to see my life as you see it. Thank you for your un-ending love and grace. Thank you for all the blessings you have bestowed on me. You know my heart... it is enough. Thank you...


In Jesus name, Amen.

Calming the Storm...

As I slowly prepare myself for my next adventure in pregnancy, I am attempting to get all the information I need to be "okay" with what might be coming my way. I have prayed and thought about things long and hard, and I know for sure that I want another child. My fears lie within my 1 in 8 odds of having another placental abruption.

Not only is this a risk for our next baby, but also a risk to my own life as well.  I keep thinking about my daughter Nevaeh and my husband, and my family. I am trying to trust God with this. It is very hard to control my anxiety on this subject. 

I have to keep reminding myself that God spared my life during my abruption with Leo. 

I know that He is by my side always. 

I am debating about getting 2nd opinions about my risks. I love my OB, but I can't help but want to have a few other opinions before I embark on this adventure. 

We can't start trying until July. July will be the 1 year mark since we lost Leo and since my emergency c-section. Ready or not, I know that there probably will never be a time that I would truly be ready and "care-free". I know I have to keep my focus on Him and my eyes on HOPE.

I can't imagine going through what we did again; and yet, I know that I could endure it again if I had to. I have made it through Leo's loss with more strength than I ever realized I had. 

God has been my Rock and Salvation.

I know He will continue to be... I have to put my FULL TRUST in HIM.

I know that though my time with Leo wasn't what I expected, I wouldn't have traded what we did have. I couldn't keep his tiny form alive, but I did get to know him for a few precious hours.

And those hours, those moments were such a BLESSING! And though I walked away with empty arms and a broken heart, I know I will be with Leo again one day. 

I still want a baby; more than ever. I still want Nevaeh to have a living sibling to grow up with. 

So, I'm praying. 

Praying for Peace, Strength, and easing of my Anxious Heart. 

Praying that He might prepare me for whatever I might be meant to endure on this adventure.

Praying that He will help me to take deep breaths and TRUST IN HIM.

Giving back....

My experience of loosing my son has truly changed me; not just the loss of his life, but the entire experience from his conception to his final heartbeats. Each moment was a blessing, part of God's journey for my life and my family. My journey with Leo was marked heavily with spectacular people, who've left huge imprints on my heart and soul. Despite the tragedy of loosing my precious son, I have been touched by so many. From doctors who cared, to friends who "showed up", to strangers who prayed, to nurses who cried with us; they all have walked part of this journey with us.


A group who really touched my life was the team in NICU at Legacy Salmon Creek Hospital. This group of "angels" created an environment in the midst of chaos, fear, and pain so profound, so enveloping, so peaceful. I couldn't have asked for a better group of people. Nurses who cared, who knew our names, remembered things that normally would be forgotten. Nurses who watched our son's fleeting, final heart beats, and were there to wipe away our tears. Neonatologists who gave us Leo's grim news through tear stricken eyes. These people care. They walk the journey with parents as they endure some of the most difficult events in their lives. These amazing people in NICU are truly His hands and feet. 


When I first entered my son's private NICU room (Legacy Salmon Creek is one of the only hospital that provides private rooms in NICU) I was greeted with personal touches that struck me to my core. Within mere hours of his birth, there were already scrapbook pages gracing the walls of his NICU room. Leo's image was already captured and placed on these pages with love. The volunteer harp player who came to serenade us in Leo's final hours brought so much peace to our aching hearts. Each strum of her strings melted away the fears, and ushered in God's loving arms. Prayers said by both the Chaplain and our own pastors and grief counselors were those that will always be remembered. And after Leo had passed, the tender loving care these NICU nurses gave him was almost unfathomable. We were provided with a special blanket for him, a gown that fit his tiny form, and even the preciousness of having his hands and feet cast. We walked away from his NICU room, knowing that he was in "good" hands, with a box of memories to last us a lifetime. Even the day after his passing, when we said our goodbyes one last time, we were given the care, hope, and comfort we needed to get through those fleeting moments of "goodbye".


I didn't get to leave the hospital that day with a baby in my arms. I didn't leave the hospital with celebration balloons or burp cloths strewn over my shoulder. I left with a box of memories. Memories that wouldn't be created without the help of this amazing group from NICU. 


Recently, I have wanted to give back to these "angels". My grandmother made special blankets to donate to the NICU. I wasn't ready to make a trip back to the NICU, so she asked me if there was anything special I would like her to bring as well. I thought about it, and was struck with the idea to give the NICU my 4x6 photo printer. I had only used it once, and it had sat in a drawer for over a year. I also added to the bag some scrap-booking supplies as well. I typed up a short note stating these were donations in memory of my son, and then was done. 


Later that week she brought these donations to the NICU. Two nurses came out with happy smiles, in awe of the gifts that were brought. As they looked into the bag, they gasped. One looked up and said "we literally just printed our last picture on our photo printer and then it died." Talk about an "Only God" moment. I assumed my miniscule attempt at donating would be an ordinary thing... and yet it was more momentous that I anticipated. When my grandma shared the news of what happened, my heart was touched and changed once again. 


Last week I went out and bought a whole bag full of scrap-booking supplies. This time I delivered them myself. As Nevaeh and I made our way down the skybridge to the main floor of the hospital she asked, "Are we going to see my baby Leo?" My heart broke as I tried to explain to her that he was only at the hospital for a little while, and that he lives in Heaven. She looked up at me with wide eye's and said, " Oh yea, with Jesus." Than in the next breath she said, "Are we going to pick up my sister?" Silence.... crickets.... Nevaeh knows something that I don't about the future... about my journey. 


As I made my way to the 4th floor, a peace came over me that was unexpected. I assumed I would have feelings of anxiousness, and yet, I felt peace. Fancy that would you? As I handed another smiling NICU nurse my donation, she asked me if the donation was in honor of anything special... and I got to say, "yes, these are being donated in memory of my son, who spent some time here before he passed. I want others to have the same special experience that we did." As Nevaeh and I left, I realized what a huge step I had just made. Such HOPE. Hope for the future, and hope for others who might be in a similar situation. 


I am so thankful for these people who have stamped their love on my heart. Thank you!

Prayers to ponder...

Lord, I believe, help my unbelief. 

Lord, help me to trust You in all things at all times, 

regardless of outer circumstances or consequences. 

Lord, help me to see my life as You see it and put things into the priority order Your desire.
Lord, let me catch a glimpse of all you have prepared for my child and for me in Heaven.
Lord, I love you. Help me to love You with a purer, deeper, and more all-encompassing love. Help me to keep my eyes on you.
Help me, Lord, let me love what You love. Let me receive all that You desire to give me. Let me be satisfied with all that You are.
Lord, make me a blessing to others today.

Daily Thoughts....

Outside my window... cloudy, and rain will be starting soon

I am thinking.... that I miss my little man today... every day I seem to miss him more these past few weeks


I am thankful for... the time I had with him, for God sparing my life, and for my beautiful daughter and amazing husband.

I am wearing...sweats... guess I need to get ready before I head out today.

I am remembering... holding my precious son in my arms


I am going... to meet a friend for  a playdate


I am currently reading... "Covenant of Love" Pope John Paul II by Richard M. Morgan & Johm M. LeVoir


I am hoping... my nerves go away as we start thinking about trying to get pregnant again.


On My Mind... 1 in 8 chance of having another placental abruption in my next pregnancy.


Noticing that... I need to lower my stress level and get into a strict routine to keep myself sane.


Pondering the words..."My grace is sufficient for you"


From the Kitchen... coffee... lots of it


Around the house... clean... I am so glad I cleaned yesterday.


One of my favorite things... remembering my trip to Paris! 

 

Western France, 2005