8 months and counting....

As I journey towards the 8 month mark of loosing you, I am just sad. Heartbroken. Realizing all I dreamed for you is no more. No longer our my thoughts on your future. Daily I am reminded you aren't here with me. I gaze upon your images, longing to hold your preciousness once again. How do I move beyond this loss and back to a reality where "dead baby" isn't blazon all over the world around me? I know you are in Heaven. I know you are where there is no pain and where no suffering exists. I also know you aren't here. The room you were meant to share lacks your presence. I search for the next step in remembering you. I hear of memorial tattoos, quilts, paintings. How can I sum you up with something made by human hands?

I long to find the magic answer to my quest in honoring your precious life. Your memory will forever live on in my heart and soul. My words of love for you will never cease. Forever will my heart be imprinted with your tiny footprints. My heart aches for you. I ache for all the moments we had, and the moments we didn't. No one understands. Most don't even try. How can they not realize, I say... they go about their meaningless lives, never really realizing what they have been blessed with. All they see are those things made by human hands. How lucky am I to see beyond the facade of life... to see into the depths of things that go unseen to so many. How alone am I in these realizations, and yet full of peace I cannot explain... other than it is a gift from Christ.

If God is love, then I know God. From every heartbeat, every hair on your head, every moment, and every gaze. I know Him. Because I know love. Love for another that could move mountains and swallow seas.

I gaze into the mirror, making final adjustments to my painted face... more earthly things. I gaze down at my still swollen form. Monday I had a son. Tuesday I held him as he died. Now it is Saturday, and I am preparing for the next passage of the journey. My black dress offers others a glimpse of my inner emotions. I pin flowers in my hair; it is important to still be myself in the midst of this tragic event. I hold my head high as I take my place at church. Those who I would normally stand for are now showing their respects to me. My Sicilian heart knows these rituals as if I have lived them in another life. I am strong. Everyone looks at me for the next move. As I make my way into the sanctuary, I am comforted with the familiar surroundings. The service is touching, written by myself and our pastor. I ponder how many new roles I have filled in the last 6 short days. Mother, wife, support person, decision maker, daughter, leader, consoler, mourner, writer, composer, photographer, coordinator, mediator, comedian, gardner, patient, teacher, lover, peacemaker... so many shoes to fill in a mere 6 days. Now I am the story teller. I am being called to mark this journey, this memory, on paper.

Some say "write a book". Where do I begin? There could be a book hidden between these many pages and my soul. God has a plan for this story. His hands will guide me and He will always be my refuge. His love is my compass. I wait patiently for His commands. He is my strength. Whom shall I fear?

Connected together with the sinews of love, we are all of One. We love because He first loved us. By His grace we are saved and by His grace we are made new, in perfect love. I know that my life is a mere moment in the fog of eternity. I know that the honor of receiving His love and grace is something so beyond my need for fully understanding. I truly know that God is Love.

I miss you my Leo. But I trust and KNOW that you are loved, and with love, and in the arms of Jesus. If you were here I would hold and cuddle you. I would rock you to sleep singing you a lullaby. I would softly kiss your head and tell you "mommy's here". I would hug you tight and never want to let you go. But I know that in this moment, you are in His arms, praising His name, experiencing His love... what more could I ask for? What could be more comforting than knowing you are in the presence of the His true Love?

Mommy loves you my sweet dear boy... so much. You will always hold my heart.

XX,

Mommy