you are everywhere little man | advocate for pragnancy and infant loss

Let's just say that since loosing my little man a little over a year ago, my body has been a wreck. Physically a wreck. Between the sudden drop in hormones from an emergency c-section, to the depression and anxiety of loosing our son, to the pain meds as I healed from surgery, from doing way too much planning a memorial, running a household,  healing from loss, and of course pursuing me photography career.... all these things take a toll. My blood pressure has been border-line high since being pregnant with Nevaeh, so, when it was high during my pregnancy with Leo, we weren't too concerned, since we already had a healthy baby girl and a delivery with no complications. Little did we know that my blood pressure is the most likely cause of our tragedy. Since then, I have been to countless doctors trying to figure out the best course of action.

Today after having a steadily rising high blood-pressure all day and struggling with another anxiety attack I checked my blood pressure at home again to see if I should head to the ER. My blood pressure was 155/95.... not horrible, but not good. So, I packed Nevaeh in the car, with my best " oh mommy is fine, we are going to just go talk to the nice doctor". I urgently called my dad and sister to come meet me, since the last I came to this same ER as a "precaution" it ended in tragedy.

Thanks to the FABULOUS Legacy Salmon Creek Hospital, I waited a mere 10 minutes before I was in a gown having yet another EKG. My blood pressure was up to 166/107. After a dose of anxiety meds and monitoring, my pressure came back down to 134/83 within an hour. Luckily in this world of technology, my ER doctor was able to view every aspect of my records from 6 different doctors. After reviewing all my past workups and issues, he said, " You need to be on blood pressure medication, and should have been for awhile now." FYI this has been my theory all along, but what does a dumb mom who went through a placental abruption know (which are only caused by a) trauma b) cocaine use c) smoking or d) HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE.... DING DING DING Winner Winner Chicken Dinner.

Despite what you all might think, I am happy and relieved to have some answers and a medical plan for what I have been struggling with for years now. I am praying that with close monitoring and medication that I can get my body back to a healthy functioning level soon. It has been a tough road, and I am praying that this is the start of a "new day".

Thanks for all your continued prayers and thoughts of comfort! I love you all!!

HOLY CRAP are my thighs THAT big? Note to Self.... slim thighs.... or.. wear spanks at ALL TIMES..

It is well with my soul...

Remember that day?

Remember that day we thought everything would be fine?

Remember that day we were just being cautious?

The day our whole world changed.

The day we were blessed with a son.

Remember those fleeting moments?

Remember the fear and the pain?

Remember when we held our son as he died in our arms?

Remember how God spared my life and not my son’s?

I remember.

I don't know His plans for me, or what my journey has in store. I have been so blessed in my life... and though I miss my baby boy, I know  “it is good with my soul.”

Philippians 4:6-7 

6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus